NOW THAT'S A HEADLINE

No matter how much I accomplish in either my professional or personal life, I will never truly consider myself a success until I read at least one of the following headlines in a newspaper, or hear it on a local news broadcast...


Int’l star Jason Hardwick hospitalized after severe bear attack. Bear reported dead at scene. Sources claim foul-play.

Eye-witness reports confirm: Int'l star Jason Hardwick spotted on 405, naked & screaming in German. We go now, live, to chopper cam 5...

After week-long coke binge, Int'l star Jason Hardwick proclaims himself lord of universe in interview with Katie Couric.

New film w/ Int'l star Jason Hardwick (BLOOD RAIN 8: The Rainy Season) opens w/ poor box office showing. Insiders predict end for Hardwick.

...In response, Hardwick shaves head & drives into Pacific, vowing never to return. Later seen at In & Out eating 5 Double-Doubles.

Neighbors report: Int'l star Jason Hardwick comes out of house with hands in air, only to discover stand-off with police was figment of warped mind.

Flags set at half mast today, as Nation mourns loss of Int'l star Jason Hardwick's sanity. Next step: healing.

Epicenter of California quake pinpointed as home of Int'l star Jason Hardwick. USGS sends survey team—never heard from again.

Recent study shows that Int'l star Jason Hardwick will always be America's IDOL.

After brief absence from headlines, Int’l star Jason Hardwick returns when press junket ends w/ interviewers severed head thrown out window.

Int'l star Jason Hardwick goes under knife for new role, drastically alters facial structure, only to find part has been recast. Sanity hanging by thread, sources say.

BREAKING NEWS: Photo of Int'l star Jason Hardwick's botched plastic surgery leaked to TMZ!

Int'l star Jason Hardwick resurfaces at local LA hot spot, seen riding mechanical bull, wearing only a bandana and screaming "ranchin' it!"

Int'l star Jason Hardwick spotted outside Hollywood bar screaming at homeless man for not being able to "break a 20."

Reports now surfacing of brutal mauling of Studio Executive. Int'l star Jason Hardwick seen fleeing the Lot moments later. 

In act of shear desperation, Int'l star Jason Hardwick signs 62 picture deal w/ Cheese-Dick Films. Insiders cite complete mental breakdown. 

After months of industry speculation, Int'l star Jason Hardwick unveils new venture: "Tacos to the Stars." Insiders scoff.  Stomachs growl. 

Int'l star Jason Hardwick spotted driving taco truck, in excess of 70 mph, down Hollywood Walk of Fame. More news as it develops. 

According to Police, Int'l star Jason Hardwick's smiling severed head found on south-bound 101, last Thur.  More news at 11.


Here's to 2013: the year dreams come true.